A break-up is a break-up, even if you only dated for a short period. Done. Finito. Or as I used to say in high school, see ya time. Unless we’re eternally tied by social circles, a friendship needn’t blossom. I have a strict routine: axe the faux Facebook friendship (unless, again, I need it for strategic purposes), delete his number and erase all texts, emails, voicemails. Then my friends allow a liberal two day mourning period where I’m allowed to say “Should I email him?” and all that foolish mumbo jumbo. On day three, I go on a date with an adequately vulnerable chap. I bat my lashes and flex my superior dating muscles to achieve a quick ego boost. Then I trot off in the sunset on my high horse.

It works wonderfully unless (and there is a but) said break-up partner is a lonely boy. Lonely boys don’t have enough friend distractions. They are often able to distract themselves during the week with work, gym, and shit like that; but come Friday, they are blowing you up. Grrrrr. My most recent encounter with this stomach-turning display of loneliness involved a late night text “I just saw Kevin Bacon and Kyra Sedgwick.” So I’m thinking: Big woop. This is New York not Kentucky. Plus I have never even uttered either name in the whole five seconds I entertained your candidacy for permanency, so it’s not like you’re texting me because you just saw my actor numero uno. Clearly you’re lonely. Text. Someone. Else.

Then lonely boy goes on to say that he really wants to see a film we had previously discussed but doesn’t want to go by himself on a Friday night. And I’m thinking: Srsly? Do you need a box of tissues? Oh, I’m so sorry it’s lonely sleeping in the BED YOU MADE, but you’re going to need to take your boo hoos elsewhere because I don’t give a fuck if you see a movie alone, with your closet gay bestie or with an imported Rusky escort. Plus, who complains about loneliness to a person they just told they don’t want to date? Who does that?

I’ll tell you who - people who have trouble letting go because they want to have their precious egos continually stroked. Sometimes they are questioning their decision. Other times they are just feeling that lonely void left when your “go to” person vanishes. They hope their lonely pleas produce the attention needed to feed their shallow egos. Then most of the time, you won’t hear from them again until another random night when they are lonely. Ugh, lonely boys are the worst.

Unfortunately, I’m too nice to text respond something like, “Take your pathetic lonely boy texts elsewhere.”  I’m plagued with an innate capacity for empathy. I either respond too nice or, in moments of Shera-style strength, not at all. I had one of those pseudo dating break-ups with a different dude a couple weeks ago, and I would not dream of lonely texting him. Never. Lonely and bored post break-up texts are rude, ego-serving and thoughtless. They seek instant gratification, ignore the other person’s feelings entirely, and imply the receiver is an idiot. They are salty texts vomited into open wounds. Most of all, they are immature. If you receive one, thank your lucky stars you aren’t dating that immature, lonely boy anymore. Do yourself a favor, throw empathy out the window and for the love of god, do not reply.

Emma Dinzebach

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